After the Final Rose

15:00 Minutes
After the final rose was given the runner-up left the stage. Staggering in shock, the man weaved between camera men, paparazzi and two fourteen year old girls who came because they couldn’t get tickets to One Direction, to get away.

The brilliant white stage lights beat down upon him like a judgment, making his fake tan look orange. Mr. Second Place made it to his trailer and after a tearful goodbye to the makeup girl, powered his rented Acura out of the studio lot.

9:42 Minutes
This was it, he’d lost. It was a pity about the girl. He’d really, really, totally wanted to bang her. She was so smart and pretty and hot and cute and he loved the way her nose crinkled when she laughed while making fun of poor or ugly people.

What a goddamned bitch she was.

After the final rose

She gave the rose, the symbol of pretty things that smell good but hurt you when you grab them, to his bastard rival. She’ll be sorry, he thought, they’ll both be sorry.

4:05 Minutes
He made it to his apartment with minutes to spare. I will destroy them both while there’s still time, he thought. He rubbed his square, soul-patched chin and laughed in the way you’d expect a villain to laugh: with a menacing quality.

He poured two fingers of scotch, thought better of it and made it a fist. He slammed the drink down with a cough and checked his Michael Kors watch, which was at the absolute height of douchbag fashion at the time.

2:25 Minutes
The man powered up his Macbook, opened his gmail and wrote. The angry, bitter man began to shimmer and fade even as he hit send.

0:00 Minutes
He looked at his watch and ceased to exist.
His fifteen minutes were up. He was gone. But damned if the tabloids didn’t have a story to sell.

You might want to read this: Lost In Spain: A Collection of Humorous Essays by Scott Oglesby
The funniest book you’ve never read.

  6 comments for “After the Final Rose

  1. Amy
    July 30, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    Oh if only it really happened this way. Think of all the precious oxygen that would be saved if these non-celebrities weren’t around to keep breathing it.

    “This was it, he’d lost. It was a pity about the girl. He’d really, really, totally wanted to bang her. She was so smart and pretty and hot and cute and he loved the way her nose crinkled when she laughed while making fun of poor or ugly people.”
    ^^^That is so on the nose I’m cross-eyed.

    • July 30, 2014 at 6:13 pm

      I thought of you while writing this Amy. I knew you’d appreciate the winking out of existence part. If only, indeed.

      I’ve never seen you cross-eyed. YET.

      Thanks Amy!

  2. July 30, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    Ha! Clever. I especially like “…made it a fist”. Great line!

    • July 30, 2014 at 6:14 pm

      That’s the way I would have done it/used to do it.

      Thanks Diane!

  3. July 30, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Great description of a sore loser! Any other guy who finished second would try to bang the girl anyway. Who are the tabloids going to sell the story to?

    • July 30, 2014 at 6:16 pm

      Thank you. He would if he could but he only had 15 minutes left so no chance.

      Middle and rural America. At least I think that’s who buys the tabloids.

      Thanks GB!

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