Glenn Beck Sued By Humanity As A Whole

A class action lawsuit has been brought against Glenn Beck by the Institution of humanity as a whole for copious and irrevocable damage to the human race.

An attorney for Humanity LLC, Thomas Grayson said the suit was brought after his client had simply had enough of the mental, emotional, financial and familial damage to the species. The suit alleges defamation, price-gouging, eye-gouging, douchebaggery and tomfuckery of every variety.

Mr. Grayson went on to say,

“My own grandfather is lost to me because of that monster. I can’t even drag him out of his overpriced bomb shelter where he counts his overpriced gold and sorts his overpriced seeds to plant in land he just remortgaged to donate to the latest teabagger’s campaign.

The only highlight of pap’s day is when he turns on his overpriced “emergency radio” and listens to the man who only makes him more afraid even as he spends more money to protect himself from a bogeyman who never existed. Beck has convinced my pap that the devil exists and is coming for his homemade pipe bongs and bingo money.

Fuck that guy.”

I was able to reach the polarizing, pink pundit by phone and the conversation went as follows.

“This is Scott Oglesby. I was hoping…”

“You’re Hitler!’

“No, I’m not.”

“That’s’ just what Hitler would say if he were brought back to life by a Zionist New World [Orderer]!”

“Mr. Glenn, sir, would you like to make a statement in response to the latest lawsuit against you?”

“I never touched that bunny!”


“What! Oh, the other thing. I’m not saying that Obama is perpetrating another holocaust. But he is. I’ll tell you what I do know. I know that I saw, with my own blue eyes, a white van driving around picking up America’s senior citizens, driving them to urban wastelands where men in white coats, WHITE COATS(!) shoved syringes into their sagging flesh!”

“This urban wasteland? Was there a Walgreen’s sign anywhere?”

“There was! Wal is code for WALL which is an acronym for Wily Assassins Learning Lacrosse and Green, as you know, is code for the environmental movement which is a front for the communist socialist baby-eating Satanist Illuminati Zionists.”

“Flu shots.  They were getting flu shots.”

“That’s exactly what Hitler would say!”

“So, no comment on the lawsuit Glenn?”


The conversation was over at that point, if it had ever really begun. If humanity wins, they get to take back Beck’s organic material and turn it into mulch. At this point however, the damage has already been done.

  6 comments for “Glenn Beck Sued By Humanity As A Whole

  1. April 1, 2014 at 8:33 pm

    HA HA HA!! Ah, Glenn. If only he would go away. But I think he may be like a cockroach in that way!-Ashley

  2. Scott
    April 1, 2014 at 8:39 pm

    A cockroach indeed. I’m glad he’s being sued for real from the Boston Marathon guy. He ruined a poor man’s life to entertain his delusional fans. I hope the guy gets millions!

    Thanks Ashley!!

  3. April 2, 2014 at 2:14 am

    I’ve seen his name in print so often,but I’ve never actually heard him speak. So many humans acquire fame and fortune by talking crap. I blame Hitler.

    • Scott
      April 2, 2014 at 8:22 am

      As well you should, Hitler is comprehensibly blamable. You’re a lucky primate to not have Beck’s influence ruining your habitat.

      Thanks GB!

  4. Ken
    April 5, 2014 at 5:13 pm

    I’ve lost a brother (actually only half of him) and all his children to that bilge scum!

    • Scott
      April 5, 2014 at 11:05 pm

      I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve only lost neighbors and friends. There’s got to be a lawsuit somewhere in there for us.

      Thanks Ken!

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