Bacon tastes good, yes it does, but so do a lot of other, less heat-attack-y, more versatile foods. Bacon, if cooked properly, is crispy and salty and delicious. Bacon is an acceptable and welcome addition to every possible meal in a day. Bacon is not your best friend, that’s either your dog or your spouse or drug of choice. Bacon is not the glorious reappearing of your personal lord and savior. As a matter of fact, I’d bet dollars to bacon flavored donuts that if you have a personal lord and savior, he was not/is not/will not be allowed to eat bacon because of the whole forked toe/unclean meat situation.
Look, I used to really, really like Newports and vodka but you didn’t see me down at the Baskin Robbins at three in the morning begging them to make a Newport and Vodka ice-cream flavor. And if I was, I don’t remember it so it doesn’t count. I used to really like marijuana but something something I forget. I really like the occasional weird sex game but I’m not about to start a fucking Twitter hashtag over it.
I’m starting to think that there’s been an all-out subliminal advertising campaign put on by Big Pork and probably the Koch brothers because you people see bacon everywhere and want it in everything. Bacon flavored toothpaste, baconnaise, bacon encrusted toilet paper, sticky notes*made with real Bacon!! Bacon jelly, bacon hair gel, bacon deodorant.
Bacon will not save your soul. It will not get you laid, unless maybe you find yourself in a post-apocalyptic hellscape where people barter sex for pork products. Other than that scenario it will be more likely to prevent you from getting laid.
I don’t hate bacon, I have nothing against bacon. Everyone should be able to enjoy a few slices at least once a week with breakfast or lunch or dinner or three AM lonely meal. I just want you to do it without all the noise and hyperbole.
Shut the fuck up about bacon. Please and thank you.