Will Everyone Please Shut the Fuck Up About Bacon


Bacon tastes good, yes it does, but so do a lot of other, less heat-attack-y, more versatile foods. Bacon, if cooked properly, is crispy and salty and delicious. Bacon is an acceptable and welcome addition to every possible meal in a day. Bacon is not your best friend, that’s either your dog or your spouse or drug of choice. Bacon is not the glorious reappearing of your personal lord and savior. As a matter of fact, I’d bet dollars to bacon flavored donuts that if you have a personal lord and savior, he was not/is not/will not be allowed to eat bacon because of the whole forked toe/unclean meat situation.


Frankly, I’m a little sick of hearing about that bacon as well

Look, I used to really, really like Newports and vodka but you didn’t see me down at the Baskin Robbins at three in the morning begging them to make a Newport and Vodka ice-cream flavor. And if I was, I don’t remember it so it doesn’t count. I used to really like marijuana but something something I forget. I really like the occasional weird sex game but I’m not about to start a fucking Twitter hashtag over it.

I’m starting to think that there’s been an all-out subliminal advertising campaign put on by Big Pork and probably the Koch brothers because you people see bacon everywhere and want it in everything. Bacon flavored toothpaste, baconnaise, bacon encrusted toilet paper, sticky notes*made with real Bacon!! Bacon jelly, bacon hair gel, bacon deodorant.

Bacon will not save your soul. It will not get you laid, unless maybe you find yourself in a post-apocalyptic hellscape where people barter sex for pork products. Other than that scenario it will be more likely to prevent you from getting laid.

I don’t hate bacon, I have nothing against bacon. Everyone should be able to enjoy a few slices at least once a week with breakfast or lunch or dinner or three AM lonely meal. I just want you to do it without all the noise and hyperbole.

Shut the fuck up about bacon. Please and thank you.

  13 comments for “Will Everyone Please Shut the Fuck Up About Bacon

  1. March 29, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    Okay, I’m off to make me a double BLT with extra bacon. Bwahahahahahahaha.

    Have a fabulous day. 🙂

    • Scott
      March 29, 2014 at 2:59 pm

      I just wish people would give sausage a chance once in a while. Only time you hear it, it has a negative connotation. Sausage fest, sausage di….

      Actually a BLT does sound amazing right now!

  2. March 30, 2014 at 9:26 am

    I have never eaten swine and don’t intend to. Ex-cannibals say its the closest thing to human flesh.

    • Scott
      March 30, 2014 at 6:03 pm

      You remind me of Jules from Pulp Fiction, and that’s always a good thing. Nice to see you again!

      Thanks GB.

  3. March 30, 2014 at 10:31 pm

    I’d like to underscore that Koch brothers theory. Bet they’re behind cotton-candy flavored vodka too.

    • Scott
      March 31, 2014 at 9:32 am

      Now that you’ve said it, I can totally see it. Who else could it possibly be? I’ll bet they’re also the reason that antifreeze looks like Cool-Aid.

      Thanks Hippie! (Still love your avatar)

  4. March 30, 2014 at 10:54 pm

    Thank you!! I like bacon, but i don’t want to bathe in it. I just don’t get it.

    • Scott
      March 31, 2014 at 9:29 am

      So do I. I can not understand why social media-ites feel like they have to shout it from the rooftops. Now a #tripleespressowithmorphinechaser is a hashtag I could get behind.

      Thanks Jane!

  5. Ken
    April 5, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    Yes please….highly overrated!

    • Scott
      April 5, 2014 at 11:03 pm

      Pass the grits!

      Thanks Ken!

  6. April 6, 2014 at 9:20 am

    As a Canadian, would this prohibit me from talking about back bacon or as you probably know it as Canadian Bacon?

    • Scott
      April 6, 2014 at 10:17 am

      You’re allowed to brag a little Dave. At least your bacon has a little meat on it. Our bacon is basically a slice of fried fat. Which, I guess, is why Americans love it so much.

      Thanks Dave!

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