Awkward Book Marketing.
I wanted to send a copy of my book to a famous author and blogger Jenny Lawson in the hope that she might like it and even possibly write me a blurb. I meant to send it out to her much earlier, like, before the book was published so the blurb, if it happened, could wind up on the back cover of the book and create, you know, a motherfucking shitstorm of momentum to sell “Lost in Spain” like hotcakes made out of crack in a terrible neighborhood where there are a lot of crackheads who also like pancakes.
But I never did that because I was too busy throwing little rubber bouncy balls for my dogs because they just go absolutely apeshit for rubber bouncy balls and it’s fun to watch.
So yesterday I decided that it was imperative that I send my book to this famous person, like, fucking, immediately so I looked up her email and sent her an endearing letter explaining that I just need her address so I can send her a box with crack and rubber bouncy balls and my book which may or may not (may not) have $20 dollar bills stuffed between every other page as a kind of shitty bribe considering if I had even one $20 I’d buy more rubber bouncy balls and would not use it to responsibly bribe a famous person.
After I sent the email I went back to the page where I found her email and right, directly fucking below the email was the address to send her bribe gifts and crack pancakes. Only I’d already sent the email and now I just look stupid and lazy and probably illiterate.
Earlier that day I’d sent a blog to a humor website and I was proud of myself because I’d found the editor’s personal email only she emailed me back (!) to say I had to send a pitch through Muckraker.
I signed up as fast as I could and tried to send the blog but they only wanted the pitch and I rushed through a pitch to a blog I’d already written and sent it because I pictured her sitting at her desk waiting for my pitch with bated breath and I had to get it done, like, fucking yesterday and I forgot that my work computer doesn’t have spellcheck.
When I got the confirmation email stating that my pitch was sent it looked as follows:
I want to right a blag about funny comedies that happens.n
From: Scot Oglesby Oglesby
And this is why I shouldn’t be allowed on the internet and should have a Xanax drip permanently attached.