Opossum Hate

Opossum showing teeth

Meanwhile actual opossums are not rabid. Apparently.

Since I published my post last week opossum v dog I have been inundated with hate mail, angry phone calls and one passive-aggressive singing telegram made by a man wearing an opossum suit who ended the routine by fake spitting cheesy string at me with a flamboyant hiss. Apparently there are a shit-ton of opossum lovers out there and they are positively rabid.

I hadn’t given them much thought until last week but I don’t even know what they are doing on St. Pete Beach. It’s not like there is any wilderness to ravage around here. The most you’re going to get is a clump of palms trees in that one foreclosed house that the kids think is haunted because every night 1:00 am a junkie will wake up and stumble around moaning. But that’s beside the point.  I can’t imagine the creatures being up to any good. They must survive off of stray babies and wondering cats because there isn’t much else for them to eat in this urban-ish beach. So how can people love baby-catching, cat-murdering monsters?

Why Do People Love Possums?

I wanted to know what all the fuss was about. I could have asked all those people who contacted me but that would involve me talking to people so I looked it up online.

What I found is listed first. My well thought out retorts are highlighted in bold because I’m screaming them, even as you read this. That’s my Opossum Hate screaming and not at all fear.

They are naturally immune. Opossums are mostly immune to rabies. They are eight times less likely to carry rabies than wild dogs. You know who else was immune? Typhoid Mary. And she infected half of America with some disease that I can’t remember the name of.

They lived 70 million years ago during the Mesozoic Era in the late Cretaceous period.- Zombies, Nicolas Cage and fire are also really old and none of those things are good.

As omnivores, they eat anything: frogs, snails, mice, snakes, bugs, fruit, even road killed animals. They eat snakes? Okay one point for the opossum. But if they can eat snakes they can also eat babies and small elderly people.

opossum plays dead

The coloring, fur and pose are kind of cute, sure. But the overall effect is something out of a Salvador Dali PCP dream.

While “playing possum,” they emit a smelly substance from their anal gland which smells like rotten meat. This makes the opossum appear to be a rotting carcass and most predators will not eat him.  I do the same thing. It’s called shitting yourself. I do it every time I see a fucking opossum, in fact, and you don’t see a thousand websites dedicated to me.

They have 52 teeth, more than any other mammal in North America. And that’s a good thing? How is that a good thing?

Opossums are smart animals. Results from some learning and discrimination tests rank opossums above dogs in intelligence. You know who else was smart? Hannibal Lecter and the people who brought you the atomic bomb. Think about it.

Sorry, I’m not sold. Like I told my dog, I don’t want anybody to kill them. I just don’t want to see, hear or have to think about them ever again lest I emit a smelly substance from my anal glad that smells like rotten meat.

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  10 comments for “Opossum Hate

  1. October 22, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    Every animal has its human lovers. It’s a law of nature. Don’t take them seriously unless they actually live with the animal. If they do, beg for mercy and shit your pants.

    • October 22, 2014 at 6:52 pm

      Spoken like someone who knows what they’re talking about. By the way, I’ve always wanted a pet monkey.

      Thanks GB!

  2. October 22, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    I suppose folks gotta love something, and possums, being the nasty looking, multi teeth redneck baby killers, mother rapers, and eaters of anything they can get in their mouths including, but not limited too, trains planes and automobiles, gotta have their lovers as well, even though those lovers can be classified as seriously demented.

    • October 22, 2014 at 6:53 pm

      I mean, there are people out there who love spiders and bats too? As Peter would say on Mad Med, “A thing like that..”

      Thanks Jammer!

  3. October 22, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    Seriously, a guy showed up at your door? That would creep me out. But probably not as much as opossums.

    • October 22, 2014 at 6:55 pm

      Nothing freaks me out as much as opossums. I’ll take 15 traveling Jehovah’s Witnesses over one opossum any day.

      Thanks Cassandra!

  4. October 22, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    You’re giving me nightmares with those photos.Send the opossums Fed Ex to the folks who love ’em.

    • October 22, 2014 at 6:56 pm

      I know, right? If only I could get it into a box, I’d send it to Australia.

      Thanks Diane!

  5. January 8, 2015 at 10:00 am

    Scott, I’ll be down there later today representing the ODL (Opossum Defender’s League) and you certainly have a lot to answer for there, Mister Fancy Pants. Just because some poor, ugly little animal spawned by the anti-Christ loves to eat garbage and carry babies away, that is NO reason to despise it. Seriously man, I will call you later today, and if you are around, see if we can hook-up. I’m there till Saturday, and grabbed your number off of the white pages. Please sign my book? Please please pleeeeeeeease?

  6. March 27, 2015 at 2:58 pm

    Okay, did the opossum eat you? Where the heck did ya go??? Come back, come back!

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