Master these eight rules and you too can avoid doing anything else with your life. It has taken me decades of avoiding work and work related activities to compile this foolproof method of ensuring failure and I’m sure that you can use them to lose at life as well.
Do you find yourself sitting at your desk in your mansion while your trophy wife slips into something (not at all) more comfortable (day-glow fishnet bodysuit) and realizing that you’ve accomplished far too much in your life? Is the feeling of success and self-worth you’ve earned by saying you’re going to do things and then actually doing those things weighing upon your soul like a backpack filled with money, respect and adoration?
If you’ve answered yes and are sick to death of success and accomplishment and lingerie clad blondes, I have great news for you.
Just follow these eight steps to failure and you’ll never have to worry about things like stock prices or anniversary gifts again. I wrote this list based on my own personal experience, because that’s the only true way to teach.
1 – Get OCD and use it to kill the day.
Every morning I have a positive, go-get-em’-tiger state of mind. I make sure that I start the day by mentally listing everything that I’m grateful for before I even get out of bed, because I once read a book that said it’s good to do that. If I neglect to do this one morning, everything I love and care about will catch on fire or die. This is fact.
After spending an extra half hour in bed I can kill another few hours by flipping every light switch in the house on and off seventeen times before making sure I really turned off the coffee pot and locked the door and that nothing is touching anything else in my silverware drawer.
2 – Begin a dysfunctional relationship with the internet
Before I can start working I have to check my email. Then Facebook. Then follow links from FB to every dark corner of the internet. Once my eyes are burning from the small print and my soul actually hurts from reading the comments on wing-nut political sites I can start to think about getting something done. But… I’d better check Twitter to make sure that hot girl didn’t reply.
The internet is like a bad drug or a really ugly girl who is really good at fellatio. It makes you a little sick to your stomach but you can’t stay away.
3 -Have pets and use them to kill time dead
Every single time I sit down to work, my dog puts his ball by my feet and barks at me to kick it for him. Then he wants me to do it again and again. Forever. Or instead, my cat will look at me in an irresistibly cute way until I get his ‘stick with a string tied to it’ toy and play with him.
Throughout the day every time I face the slightest hurdle, a slow internet connection or another RICO indictment say, I just go play with the fucking pets again. They don’t care that I live in a cardboard box as long as they have their rubber ball and stick with a string, respectively.
4 – Exercise daily
I know that if I fail to exercise for an hour a day, and get a little sun as well, I will become obese and turn translucently white overnight. Then my teeth would fall out. I’m already getting old, and I haven’t exactly overachieved so the least I can do for those around me is to stay moderately attractive at the cost of doing little else.
If I allowed myself to become a pasty white, fat, toothless loser then everyone would hate me. People would find me so repulsive that they’d throw uncooked hot-dogs at my face for laughs. Every hot-dog would hit me because I wouldn’t be fast enough to block them. They’d poke me with a stick or tie me to a chair and make me eat spaghetti until I died. The crime scene people would have to cut down a wall of my dilapidated warehouse-like apartment just to get my gigantic body out while laughing at me.
This is not OCD. I need to exercise every day or that shit will happen.
5 – Write a blog
It’s a perfect way to make light of serious motivational problems that cause nothing of any substance or monetary value to ever get done. It is cathartic though, and even more so when I get comments telling me how awesome and amazing I actually am. Then I feel really proud and happy and know that I never have to change anything. Except the lining of my cardboard box.
6 – Have ADD
Every time I start to do something I become distracted and immediately want to be doing something else. As soon as I start work of any kind I realize that I’m overdue for a blog post. Then I have to go interneting to look for some interesting material. Then I get horrified and appalled at political comments and vow to go back to work…
Then I wonder if anyone has left a new comment on my last blog, or if anyone ‘liked’ my last status update on Facebook or that hot-ass girl retweeted me and have to check.
While I’m on Twitter I might as well favorite a few tweets to build some good karma for the future!
Then before I know it, it’s time to exercise and sit in the sun again.
7 – Develop a debilitating caffeine addiction
Being an addict I always think to myself, I’ll just have two shots of espresso with a Red Bull chaser then I’ll be all geared up to work. This makes my OCD and ADD (and possibly my hypochondria if I don’t really have OCD or ADD) exponentially worse, so I decide I’d better just exercise instead. Then I come back but am unable to sit still and write due to my exploding adrenal gland, so I decide to play with the ‘stick with a string tied to it’ toy to make the cat love me despite not having any new cat toys or a bed or a house.
8 – Repeat
Over and over again. Day in and day out. Tell yourself that maybe tomorrow you’ll get some shit done.
This program has worked for me for over twenty years. I may not have a mansion or a desk or a fishnet wearing wife but I do have a motherfucking stick with a string tied to it and I’m about to have another espresso.