Lost Without Karen

Home Alone With Pets

Last week my wife left for two weeks in London. She said she was going to visit family but I suspect she secretly enrolled in Hogwarts or married a tennis pro at Wimbledon. Really, why else would anyone go to London? So she’s either going to come back as a wizardly witch or a rich bitch and I guess I’m okay with either just as long as she comes back.

It’s not that I’m the typical male, I’m not. I do most of the housewifey stuff because my schedule is easier and I’ve always done that stuff and I have very low testosterone levels, apparently. I’ve always done most of the grocery shopping and cooking and if I don’t run the vacuum every two days we will all die of dog fur and dust mite radiation.

When Karen’s gone there is no one to help with anything. We have one very demanding 13 year old dachshund.  Luke has to eat seven meals a day consisting of organic, plain, baked chicken breast, brown rice and two exact measures of wet and dry super expensive dog food I can only buy from the vet. If the measurements are wrong, or he adds or skips a meal, or he sneaks one, pea-sized bite of non-Luke-regulation food his stomach will, literally explode. I don’t know if  you’ve ever cleaned bits of dachshund off of a ceiling fan but I have not and I don’t want to.

dachshund and cat

Looking all innocent but, I can assure you, that is not the case.

We also have a four year old Podenco that we rescued from under a broken down Peugeot in Spain. Puppy is afraid of everyfuckingthing. She’s afraid of the cat, afraid of Luke, afraid of my foot if I try to pet her with it, afraid of the air conditioner, afraid of trees, of wind, of leaves, rocks, storm drains, noise, lack of noise, bananas and couch cushions. It’s easier to list the things that the Puppy is NOT afraid of: tennis balls and other tennis balls.


My cat, Kitty Kat, is not afraid of anything. We also rescued him from Spain but he came from a lineage of feral cats and has grown fat as a house-cat. I try to keep him from eating all day every day but he has mastered the art of being annoying until you feed him. Piss him off with lack of food long enough and he will walk up to you and bite you, often. Not hard, just enough to say, “I’m going to eat whether you put my food out or not. Just go to sleep motherfucker and we’ll see what’s up.”

scared puppy picture

Somebody turned on a ceiling fan.

Both Puppy and Kitty Kat will do anything to eat Luke’s food and Luke will do anything to eat their food, which would make his stomach explode. So I have to stand there and watch all three animals eat for approximately twenty-three hours a day.

The other hour is spent watching Luke go to the bathroom. He can’t make it up or down the stairs to the yard by himself and if left alone, he will eat grass or his own shit or Puppy’s shit or lizards, which will make his stomach explode. He will also bark at everyfuckingthing that Puppy runs from out of fear. Which is everyfuckingthing.


To be continued next week…

  14 comments for “Lost Without Karen

  1. July 8, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    This is why I prefer cats to dogs. Kitty Kat is such a cool dude and the mutts are a pain in the butt. I hope your wife got to see the Tower of London. The Beefeaters are great tour guides, even if they aren’t very beefy. Give us her report when she gets back.

    • July 8, 2014 at 10:23 pm

      I love them all, cats and dogs alike. My wife’s parents still live there so she doesn’t do the touristy stuff. When I go, every other year, I do manage to do it all.I love the Tower, it’s my favorite. Next favorite? Hamley’s toy store.

      Thanks GB!

  2. July 8, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    At first I thought your post would be about your wife, but then it veered into a hilarious account about your dogs and cat, and I thought, yes! This IS about your wife. She left to get away from the friggin animals!

    • July 8, 2014 at 10:25 pm

      This is only part one of two. But you’re right, it’s just a vehicle to complain. As is part two. And you’re probably right, when she’s home Luke follows her around EVERYWHERE!

      Thanks Diane!

  3. Amy
    July 8, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    You have one of the most staggering imaginations of anyone I know and you named your pets Puppy and Kitty Kat. My mind = boggled.

    • July 8, 2014 at 10:27 pm

      I know, right? My imagination goes and goes except when it comes to naming things. If not for my first wife, my daughter’s name would have been Pretty Girl. That’s first and middle and I really, really liked it.

      Thanks Amy!

  4. July 8, 2014 at 5:45 pm

    I am so glad Luke is still going strong. And I’m cracking up over Podenco. I have two ‘grand-puppies’, Jax and Sammy. Sammy is a rescue puppy and she, too, is scared of everything. You would love her as she is OCD as well. If you move anything, like a bin or a chair, from its normal place, she just freezes like it’s going to attack her.
    Keep fighting the good fight for Luke. Looks like he’s doing well.

    • July 8, 2014 at 10:29 pm

      It’s tough with his bad belly but we do everything to keep him strong. This includes two hours a day of physical therapy. Well, I call it that. My wife calls it throwing a bouncy ball over and over and over again until Luke is excited, awake, adrenaline enough to eat.

      Oh Puppy hates the moving of the furniture as well.

      Thanks Karen!

  5. July 16, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    Use that one free hour a day wisely. I’m just saying.

    • July 16, 2014 at 10:56 pm

      Oh I did manage to enjoy that one free hour. You could only imagine!

      Thanks C.P.!

  6. wendy
    July 16, 2014 at 8:47 pm

    I have put the cat food in the closet and latched the door so that only she can fit through the space, thusly avoiding the whole the dog is eating the cat food/poop(which is apparently a delicacy to a dog) thing. Godspeed regarding Karen’s return. stay strong

    • July 16, 2014 at 10:58 pm

      That’s just the kind of brilliance that I remember you for Wendy. If only you could have helped with the cat liter during the night of the cat liter debacle!

      Thankfully she’s back now and all is bliss and sunshine.

      Thanks Wendy!

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